September 2010
1 post
Impotency, 18 Points
Not that the title has anything to do with me.
It’s amazing how offensive pensions are. As a matter of fact they are not offensive at all, it’s just that when I see ‘pension’ what I read is ‘no penis’ and I’m like “DO NOT GO THERE MY THROBBING MANHOOD IS JUST WAITING TO BE RELEASED FROM ITS DEMIN PRISON”. It’s because they’re...
August 2010
3 posts
Self-Loathing, Null Points
Here I saw an ad on a Pepsi bottle that said “Win a camcorder every 10 minutes”. Why on earth would you need a new camcorder every 10 minutes? WHAT ON EARTH COULD YOU BE FILMING?
I can’t have been the only child who grew up watching Sabrina The Teenage Witch and whenever they mentioned their “lab” thought they were referring to their labias? My nine-year-old self was...
Ahaha the link failed to work →
More like Kinky-mon
Rapist, 8 Points
Ugh I hate the expression “Rub someone up the wrong way”. To me it just sounds like you attempted to like, stroke their, eh, you know. And ended up stroking their like eh ass-al area. The point is it’s a stupid phrase.
And I’m sorry but Pokemon has turned into a fucking hive of BDSM. Like this was pretty much the first thing I saw when I typed it in was this… THING....
June 2010
1 post
Effort, 12 Points
I’m too uninspired for a real blog. Here’s my speech that I had to prepare for English.
There are many a thing in this life that can really get you down. No Jaffa Cakes left in the packet. When the store runs out of Marge Simpson shaped condoms. When the website that streams the latest series of Gossip Girl fails to load, or when the girl of your dreams would rather fantasize about...
May 2010
1 post
Beast, 7 Points
The world record for the High Jump has recently been broken again and now stands at 2.40m. So congratulations to Heather Mills.
Apparently there’s a Facebook group called “Twilight has given me unrealistic in men” Eh, I’m sorry, but where’s the group called “Gilmore Girls has given me unrealistic expectations in women”?
The most awkward conversation of...
April 2010
3 posts
“It’s when I starred in a Off-Broadway play”
“Off...”
– The power of Gilmore Girls…
Aloof, 7 Points
Did you hear? The Abbey Theatre will soon be showing a revival of the Broadway classic, Footloose. Heather Mills to star.
After seeing Jane Lynch performing Vogue for Glee, I have decided that tomorrow, I shall be jetting off to LA to seduce and wed her. Yes, she is possibly a tad to old to bear me any children. And of course there is the minor issue of her lesbianism. But true love conquers...
Bolt, 6 Points
I must be said that the funniest-named Pokemon move is, without a doubt, Megahorn.
Country Mix 106.8 has without a doubt reached a new low in the history of radio broadcasting. At 4.14pm last Thursday, they played the song Haven’t Met You Yet, by Michale Buble. While I have nothing against this song (Except maybe its relevance as a country song), they directly followed it up with, I shit...
March 2010
12 posts
Evade, 8 Points
Dear makers of Tumblr: “Lightweight blogging platform” is just another way of saying “Crap blogging platform.”
The always reliable Pick Me Up Horoscope proved eerily prescient. It instructed me to buy something new. Having utmost confidence in the proven powers of astrology, I purchased Pokemon HeartGold from HMV. As soon as I walked out of the shop, someone on the street...
Misshapen, 14 Points
I had quite the orgasm today during Work Experience (And no, it wasn’t caused by Jess) when I logged into Twitter and saw that Justin Bieber was not the most popular topic. However, my post-coital bliss was interrupted when I saw that the most popular topic was in fact, his “album”. It’s a cruel world.
I cannot have been the only person who laughed during the Glee series...
“When I first saw Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, I thought to myself, “Why...”
– Steve Martin
Buttress, 10 Points
My milkman brings all the milk to the door, and I’m like “Is it Avonmore?” and he’s like “I ain’t too sure” so I said “Find out you whore!” Ya ya, ya ya yaaaa. The milk is waiting. Ya ya, ya ya yaaaa. It is stagnating. ©Jack Lynskey
Work Experience can be an awkward place. I have been assigned a desk next to the sexually ambiguous Jess. While...
Unagi, 6 Points
Unobtainium? Pah. More like McGuffinium
The library is not the place it used to be. It has transcended into a place fueled by politics and mind games. A sixteen year old boy (Who is by no means me) should be able to walk into his local library and check out the next two Gossip Girl books without being hassled by others (Whose names I shall with-hold)
There I was, casually wandering towards the...
Fruitful, 12 Points
Did you hear about the psychologist who fell down? It was a Freudian slip…
Let’s face it. People are not intelligent. Such as the person who posted a 100 question personality assessment online and included the following disaster of a question: “In your leisure time, do you browse the internet and other such items to pass the time?” Well obviously I answered...
People Are Geniuses →
Rumpus, 8 Points
The rumours are true. I have gotten a new phone. Her name is Doris. Tragically, I am beginning to have sexual feelings for her, as the voice that she sometimes uses to inform me of my whereabouts is more than a little sultry. Is it that wrong, to have fornication urges with one’s cellular device? I for one, am all for it.
Rumpus is one of the funniest words I have ever heard.
Had a chess...
Vulva, 10 Points
Hardcore Scrabblers will no doubt instantly realise that there is only one “V” tile in the game, and therefore a Blank must be used to form vulva. Fortunately, no Blanks are needed to form clitoris or labia. Just letting you know.
I was in despair not an hour ago as I was flicking aimlessly through the TV channels, and even stooped as low as watching “7 Stupidest Things to Run...
“Momma said life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re...”
Crumpet, 11 Points
I was aghast on Monday when I went to record University Challenge on BBC2, only to discover in horror that it was replaced by, I shit you not, a show about sheep giving birth. It was called Lambing Live. And here I was thinking it was going to be pre-recorded.
In preparation for my sojourn to New York in a month, I have decided to watch films about the city. Luckily, I will have no free-thinking...
Kalarami, 12 Points
I would like to point out to all the people who have tweeted something akin to this “RT if Justin Bieber turns you on”, that he is, in fact, fifteen. That’s a little perverted.
I love how Firefox Dictionary recognizes “tweeted” but not “Bieber”
I would like to tell everyone of my epic triumph whereby I stayed up until 5am on Monday morning to watch the...
February 2010
16 posts
Stock, 11 Points
The difficulty of the words are decreasing…
I would like to dedicate this post to Stephen Butterly. Some of you may affectionately refer to him as “Butts”, “Scuts” and, less commonly, “I can’t believe it’s not Butterly”. The simple fact of the matter is that Butts is a quote machine. His dry humour combined with his often-exaggerated-by-others...
Bap, 7 Points
No matter how much people use, “Ima” will never be accepted into the English lexicon. It just won’t.
I will be taking a week-long absence from this blog to go and pursue the outdoors, in the middle of Clare. I would humbly suggest that coming from the relative wilds of Portmarnock (Relative to Howth/Sutton) has prepared me well for this experience. No electricity? A daily...
Dojo, 12 Points
Far be it from me to put words in your mouth. But you hated Avatar. And if you liked it, then you probably aren’t intelligent enough to be reading this. In fact, you aren’t really sure what language this is in. All those two syllable words are confusing.
This was a sad week for the English language. First off, The Irish Times, a longtime good example of posh English, had to resort to...
“Don’t worry. Sue Sylvester’s rainbow tent will shield you from the...”
My Favourite Movie
No Scrabble word today.
Like most people my age, I have seen hundreds of films. Unlike most people my age, I have good taste in films. I despise most comedies, and am the only person I know who dislikes The Hangover. Nevertheless, it is a comedy that I name my Favourite Movie. *Drumroll*
Miss Congeniality
There are some truly epic one-liners here, and it has the distinction of being funny...
Xu, 9 Points
As good as my vocabulary may be, I actually have no idea what xu means. In fact, Firefox doesn’t even recognise it. Although it also doesn’t recognise the correct spelling of recognise.
I hope all my loyal readers will excuse my absence from the Blogosphere the past few days. I have been bus doing nothing.
I would like to make a short comment about the Oscars. Apparently, Sandra...
Qis, 12 Points
What is the point of getting your employer-for-the-week to fill out an evaluation of you, and the hand it straight back? They most certainly will not be honest…
I have also invented a new game. It’s called Talbotingo. For the less English-inclined, it’s a mixture of “Talbot” and “Bingo”. The game is simple. Spend some time on Talbot Street and the...
http://selleckwaterfallsandwich.tumblr.com →
It does exactly what it says on the tin. Just press it
“I often yell at homeless people: ‘Hey, how is that homelessness working...”
– The legend that is Sue Sylvester
Xi, 9 Points
I must admit I was on the verge of tears when I logged into my email and I saw that fateful message: “You have been outbid…”. As if I have more than 10 euro to spend on a GameBoy.
I also think that old people should have to the full fare on the bus. Here I am, rummaging around my wallet to try to find 65c, then in strolls Oldie McArthritis and gets on for free! Outrageous fails...
http://conorsgoals.tumblr.com →
A blog detailing the personal triumphs I hope to accomplish by the end of the year
Jazz, 29 Points
MLIA is quite average.
I have just started to read Trainspotting, and find it to be alarmingly similar to A Clockwork Orange, as in everything is in slang. I may have to resort to watching the films instead.
In a similar vain to yesterday’s post, I would like to point out that the plural of podium is, in fact, podia. Not podiums.
I predict that in 5 years, 3D glasses will be the must have...
Ra, 2 Points
I’m sure Gaga fans will be delighted to note that this is a real word.
I am not arrogant enough to believe that any of you guys that read this are in any way interested in reading two posts by me within five minutes, but I would just like to bring to everyone attention the following, albeit well-known, fact:
Aine O’ Connell is a Genius and everyone should mimic her every move.
That...
Ergo, 5 Points
On the off chance that anybody actually reads this, I am sorry for my blog hiatus. My inability to have any kind of attention span and my ignorance of Tumblr usage was ultimately my demise. However, in the words of Sue Sylvester, I am about to rise stronger like some sexually ambiguous horror movie villain.
Before I depart to peruse Facebook ceaselessly (I am glad to note that Firefox does not...
January 2010
3 posts
Ea, 2 Points
Daniel Day-Lewis is a film God. After seeing Nine today, I realise that he is one of the most talented people I have ever seen in my life, and anyone would be doing themselves proud to emulate him. Not only is he a terrific actor (There Will Be Blood, anyone?) but evidently he can sing aswell, though his songs were decidedly sub-standard. Plus he is one of only two actors who has ever made me cry,...
Qat, 12 Points
Maybe it’s an area thing, or a class thing, and maybe I’m slightly paranoid, but I surely cannot be alone when I mourn the loss of the words “to the” from simple sentences. There once was a time, a more enlightened time for sure, when simple grammatical rules were followed with an almost religious reverence. Now, our ears are being pummeled by disgracefully Neanderthal...
Xebec, 16 points
Well, in keeping with my New Years Resolution, I have decided to start this blog. For all who were wondering, my Resolutions are as follows:
Start A Blog
I’m off to a pretty good start I think.
I’m also going to start making lists of books/films I want to read/watch each month, which should be a joke as there is a shameful amount of free time available now that I’m in TY. So...
